I was listening to music while playing w/ E this morning and this song came on, and it totally made me pause.
Figuring out what this new love is in my heart, and learning, emotionally, the magnitude of the feelings, also all new, that I have had since becoming a mom have been impossible for me to put into words yet… There is a tenderness, and a scary strength to it all.
And this song totally, totally captures exactly how I feel. We stopped playing, and I just held him, and cried. They were happy tears, and he smiled at me – an image that was instantly burned in my brain: his smile through my blurry eyes. And of course I smiled back.
Suddenly I could see the future: holding his hand as he learns to walk, comforting him after a bad dream, picking him up into a giant hug after school, learning to let go when he’s a teenager, helping him pack up his room to go to college, dropping him off somewhere alone and new and just hoping all we did was enough, waiting on baited breath for his return on school breaks, cheering for him during graduation, dancing with him at his wedding, and someday, if I’m really, really lucky, getting to hold a grandchild. It’s crazy, I know. He’s not even three months old. But I could see it all. A child is a hope. And hope is a light in the darkness of everything. His future can be anything he wants it to be, but that love from his mama? That’s not going to ever change.
It seems this parenthood gig is all about learning to hold on tightly at the start, despite knowing that you’ll have to later learn to let go. And in the process I imagine it’s about growing as much as our children do. I feel like that’s already happening on so many levels.
I listened to this song a few more times and danced around the room with E, while singing it, and I meant every word. I have always thought this song was beautiful, but as a mom, it was like hearing it for the very first time. And it meant so much to me, because it’s everything I haven’t been able to say, or maybe even to admit that I feel. It’s so big, and so simple.
“To Make You Feel My Love” – Bob Dylan cover by Adele